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Advice for Ministers
by Del Hungerford (June 2009)

How do you keep the worst from happening?

        I write this article on the heels of a fellow teacher being killed by her physically abusive husband. It appears that he "lost control" and accidentally killed her. Seeing what he'd done, he tried to cover up the crime by burning her body. He then went to the gym to work out. Not only did it burn her body, it destroyed the house. He came back home from the gym to "discover" the fire department trying to extinguish the fast burning fire. When her family came to town, they had nothing of hers to take with them other than what she had at school. It was sad watching them clutch to every item of hers, while crying, as they carefully loaded the contents of her classroom into bins and boxes.
        At the time, this teacher was five months pregnant. Her husband is now being charged with double first-degree murder along with first-degree arson. She and her husband were both active in a local church. My understanding is that he was in counseling for anger management. In addition, the couple was in counseling at their church. They were separated for a short time toward the beginning of their marriage. This took place after she'd missed two weeks of school because of the first beating. Since we started teaching during the same year, I was aware of this incident. Because of my experience, I tried to talk with her more than once... to no avail. Why?
        I have learned from my own experience that people won't listen until they are ready. As my own pastor told me, "You'll know when enough is enough." In Christian homes, women tend to be more embarrassed because they believe somehow they should be able to rely on God to help fix the "problem" in their marriage. When things don't seem to be working, women tend to think they are doing something wrong and not trusting God enough. This alone will keep many Christian women from letting others know that there are problems with abuse in the home. Let's not mention getting in trouble from her husband for exposing the abuse.
        To make matters more interesting in the case of my teacher friend, I had been in her pastors office a few years earlier with another abuse case. This woman was one of my employees at the sorority where I worked. After hearing her concerns, I agreed to talk with her pastor. We went together. All she wanted was for him to understand the abuse and then help her husband. I threatened to call the authorities because some of the abuse involved a minor. It wasn't until then that he took the issue seriously. He told me that the church would take care of everything so I wouldn't need to call the authorties. Against my better judgement, I agreed not to call. Needless to say, this man never got help and his wife eventually divorced him. The pastor did the best he could but it was the wrong kind of help. This man needed a professional who specialized in the types of issues that he had.
        Within five years, the same pastor was dealing with my teacher friend's marriage. Only this time, his parishioner dies. Although many pastors do try to help in abuse cases, I believe this type of counseling is generally outside the realm of what ministers are trained to deal with. The husband of my teacher friend may have been in counseling but unless he was seeing someone who specialized in abuse, he probably wasn't getting the help he truly needed. Ministers need to learn that it's all right to refer a member of his/her congregation to professional counselors when necessary. There ARE good counselors out there that understand Christian ideals and can address the mindset of a person of "faith."
        FACT: abuse is NOT limited to families outside the church. In reality, it probably happens more IN the church because there are religions that teach that the wife is to submit to the husband and that his word is the final say. Husbands use this as an excuse to power or lord over their wives. When the wife doesn't do as instructed, husbands often use scripture to prove their point. Flat out... this is spiritual abuse. God never forces things on us, so why should a husband force his wife to submit to HIS will? The last time I checked scriptures, I believe it says that we are to be in the will of God, not of man. If God treated us the same way we often treat each other, no one would want to be a Christian. God is love. We are commanded to treat each other with love.
        So, how does a pastor handle the current problems of domestic violence within his/her own congregation? I believe had my teacher friend's pastor encouraged the couple to stay separated longer and not allowed them to move back together until there was good evidence the abuse would be curtailed, this teacher might have lived. I think this couple was back together after a few short months. A year may not have been long enough in this case. I understand that many Christians think "outside counseling" will taint them and their belief systems. With the right counselor, this will not be the case. All forms of domestic violence must be referred to professional counseling in order to stand a chance of solving the abusive issues. The pastor can still provide spiritual counseling but leave the abuse counseling to those who know what to do.
        As typical of abuse, my teacher friend didn't want to talk to many people about the abuse. To put it lightly, her family was shocked to hear that her husband had EVER been abusive to her. She never told them. Things she said gave you clues, if you knew what to look for.  I believe she avoided me because I was looking for signs of abuse. She, like myself with my abuser, hoped things would get better. I know this because of things her friends told me. Her husband was controlling. It was evident in how he communicated with her and how he wanted to always keep tabs on her. I talked with people who went to church with her and saw signs of abuse but not knowing what abuse is, just thought the husband was acting odd.
         Women in Christian religions often think that by loving the husband enough or by having more faith, the husband will become a better man, even if he's being abusive. Her thought is that she needs to pray harder and truly believe for her husband to change. She must be long-suffering and show that she loves him, despite how he treats her. Through her continued kindness and gentleness, she will win him over and then he will change. The problem with this thought process is that an abusive man will take advantage of that kindness and gentleness. Therefore, the abuse only continues and often intensifies. A vicious cycle has started; the wife tries to love unconditionally and show more kindness while the abusive husband lets her give more control over to him. She continues to defer to him more and more while believing things will get better if only she can have more faith for him to change. Meanwhile, the abusive husband takes more and more control until eventually, the situation is out of control.
       What happens next? Enter... stage left; the minister or pastoral counseling staff. Enter... stage right; Christian friends, co-workers, family etc. Confusion begins as the wife gets counseling from all sides, often with varying opinions. Meanwhile, backstage, the husband is continuing to go about his life as normal, often making everyone believe he's not the problem because he's a stellar citizen or high-ranking member of the congregation so how could be be the one with the problem? The wife is the one who appears to be having issues so what's the big deal?
        We have now sufficiently created confusion and chaos. Moving onto the next scene...
   
My advice for ministers:
  • If a woman comes to you saying that she is being abused... BELIEVE her! Most woman don't want to come in and tell this to a pastor, especially a male pastor! Generally, you are her last resort. By the time she gets to your office, she doesn't know where to turn. Her hope is that you can give her direction. Your first mistake will be to try and help her solve the problem. DON'T. Listen, be empathetic and support her. Then... send her to the appropriate agency or counselor.
  • Know the signs of abuse so when people do come into your office, you can direct them to the proper resources. Understand all facets of abuse including physical, spiritual, emotional, and verbal.
  • If you suspect abuse or neglect of any family member, have a good list of counselors you trust that parishioners can be referred to. Be ready because these people will walk through the doors of your office.
  • Even if you are of the belief that woman should always submit to their husbands, know that it can't be forced. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Christ NEVER forces submission upon us. It's a act of our own will. We choose to submit to God so a wife should choose to submit to her husband. Any kind of forced submission is abuse. A woman should never fear her husband. If she says she's fearful, there's a reason. Listen to her!!!
  • Don't feel that because you can't help a person being abused that you are a failure. It's not YOUR failure that has caused the problem. However, you could be held accountable for not reporting a dangerous situation. If you know what's going on and don't report illegal activity (especially sexual abuse or abuse involving children), you ARE responsible according to the laws of the land. You could be sued. Be wise and led by the Spirit of God in knowing what to do.
  • If you have been counseling a couple and you see control or anger issues with the husband, more than likely, there is something going on. Remember that abuse is all about control. One person wanting to control the other is abusive. If you suspect abuse, counsel the couple separately. The wife will rarely tell you anything with the husband present. Abuse specialists can help you ask the right questions. They can train you what to watch for in words and body language. If you suspect abuse, immediately refer the wife to the proper counseling. This not only validates her but let's her know what she's suffering through is not acceptable, even in a church setting. Because many women believe the minister will always side with the husband, you will have to gain her respect and confidence.
  • Don't be fooled by the husbands "position" in your church. Many of the most abusive men at home cover it up by being stellar citizens in the communities they work and by holding coveted positions in church. After all, who would ever suspect a deacon of being a wife beater? It's happened more than once. An abuser is smart and will know exactly what to do to get you to believe he's a wonderful Christian man.
  • If a woman feels threatened in any manner, encourage her to immediately go see someone at a local domestic violence agency.  If there's not one in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). They will direct her to someone in your area. In fact, I would let her make that call from your office. You will then hear how counselors who are trained in abuse advise her.
  • You don't have to take sides. As a minister, you CAN support both husband and wife. Remember that God loves both of them. They are HIS creation so you must love them, as He does. God may not like what is going on but His love for the husband and wife doesn't change. His desire is for the couple to work it out but people do make choices. That choice is not yours to force upon anyone. People have to walk out the consequences of their actions. Keeping that from happening is only enabling them, which is not God's will for anyone.
  • If the domestic violence agency recommends that she immediately leave, she should do so.  Don't try to stop her on the grounds of your religious beliefs. I don't believe it would be God's will for her to stay and possibly pay with her life.  
  • The counseling that a minister does for a couple dealing with abuse should not focus on abuse in the marriage. Leave that part to trained counselors of domestic violence. Both husband and wife will need to be built up in the Word and encouraged to continue to grow spiritually. I believe that couples who are dealing with abuse should never see their minister as a couple. You will not get what you need out of either of them. They both will play the "cover up" game; the wife won't reveal her true feelings and the husband will make you believe he has everything under control. Pastoral counseling should focus on their spiritual growth and not the abuse. Spiritual counseling is what ministers ARE trained to do... so keep it at that.
  • Very few ministers have the expertise to know when a couple should get back together. In fact, most couples get back together too soon, as my teacher friend did. An abuser could easily go for over a year without abusing if he tries hard enough. This is just long enough for the wife to think he's "healed" of the abuse. There must be a complete heart change. How many years did it take him to become an abuser? More than likely, many, many years. Heart changes don't happen quickly. It could take two or more years of "proof" before a couple might be able to get back together. Rely on professional counselors to make the decision.
  • Don't be embarrased that this is happening in your church. In fact, it probably is happening more than you think. The only way to truly stop abuse is to acknowledge it and then teach against it. There should be no "skeleton's in your closet" when it comes to acknowledging domestic violence in your church. People are human and do things that humans do whether they are Christian or not. Christians will abuse each other because they are human. It's your job to help educate people in the Word and help them spiritually through the tough times in life.
  • Take abuse and neglect classes. Do whatever you can do to learn about this issue. Understand what causes and contributes to abuse in the home. Help your congregation understand abuse. Not only do you see it in marriage but in the work place and even in church leadership. 
  • Decide whether someone's life is more important than divorce. I think ministers get stuck on the divorce issue rather than the "life" issue. I cannot believe that God would allow a woman to stay in an abusive relationship, especially if her life is in danger. That is not your call. If you feel that divorce is sin, remember that so is beating your wife, yelling at her, demeaning her, controlling her, keeping her from her family, and all other forms of abuse. God views sin as sin. No one sin is greater than another with the exception of "grieving the Holy Spirit" which has nothing to do with marriage. 
  • When it comes to divorce, also remember that you have TWO wills to deal with; the husband's and the wife's. If the husband is unwilling to make that heart change, you shouldn't encourage the wife to live with him anyway in the hopes that God will eventually change his heart. First of all, in order for God to "assist" with the heart change, a person must be willing. The couple can stay apart until the husband's heart change is evident.
  • If a minor is being abused in any way or neglected, there are laws for those in certain professions to report what they see. This is true for ministers in most states. I believe too many things in the church are not reported because people think those things can't happen in Christian homes. In addition, people are fearful of exposure and that it will ruin their "witness." I can imagine that many ministers don't report or even acknowledge certain things for this very reason. It's that old "if you don't look, it doesn't exist" syndrome. But... God sees and it breaks his heart. You are His voice here on earth. Be sure to use it wisely. In this "sue happy" world, you could be handed a lawsuit at the drop of a hat. Protect yourself and your congregation. Expose what's wrong and reward what's right.
  • Remember that Jesus died for all our sins. As humans, we all commit sins daily. To him, no one sin is greater than another. (Read "The Character of God") All people are the same. The difference between Christians and non-Christians is that one has a relationship with Jesus Christ. As we mature in Christ, our behavior should change to more resemble a Christ-like attitude. But remember that the heart change takes time. After the heart change, our behavior can often take a little longer to catch up. In other words, Christians are no better than non-Christians. Don't expect people in your congregation to behave better than everyone else out there. Some Christians just get better at hiding their sin to let you believe they've had a heart change. This is where you have to learn to judge the fruit and love the person. 
  • It's important to understand that abuse is prevelent in our society. You WILL see it in your church. If not, it's because people are covering it up. There are many speculations as to why this is the case. Ultimately, I believe abuse is rampant because of the break-up of the family. When we don't have a complete family unit that functions the way God intended, we have dysfunction. Dysfunction leads to all kinds of issues within the family unit. Lack of good parenting skills comes from not having good parents to train their children. Children learn from their parents and when they don't have good parental guidance, this leaves the door open for abuse and other issues to enter in. If more ministers taught against domestic violence (and this includes verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse), maybe we might see less of it in the Church.
 Some final thoughts...      

        Abuse falls in the selfish category. A man who abuses his wife is only thinking about himself and the control he wants over her. The last time I checked, this is considered sin. As ministers of Christ, one goal is to help the parishioners learn to live like Christ. People must understand all facets of sin and then deal with it. Walking in sin knowingly cuts off our blessings from God. A husband needs to know that even though he may hold a high position in the church while he's abusing his wife, that abuse negates what he thinks is scoring him points. God will not honor his prayers. I do believe the Word has plenty to say about this.
        In closing, abuse is not of God. It is sin. When you see it in your church, deal with it like all other sin. If it means that a couple eventually gets a divorce, then realize that you may have saved a woman's life. God still loves both husband and wife, despite the outcome. She should not feel guilty if she divorces him. She should feel free to do so if her husband is unwilling or unable to make the necessary heart and behavioral changes to demonstrate that he's capable of being the husband and father God intended for him to be. If they DO stay married and he continues to abuse her, think of the behavior he is modeling for the children. Kids learn from the adults around them. Is this the kind of behavior you want to see a man demonstrate toward the mother of his children? This is how we "grow" abusers. As a minister, you can help prevent this poor modeling by doing the right thing simply by supporting separation and/or divorce when it warrants it. An abuser who won't or cannot change will model this behavior for his children and destroy the family. The cycle will repeat itself and we will continue to grow more abusers. You CAN stop it but only if you're willing to not accept abuse in the family as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.