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From the Christian Perspective...

by Del Hungerford (January, 2009)

        If you're a Christian woman who's in an abusive marriage, or have left, first of all... you are not alone. You may have been taught that you are to submit to your husband at all times, or that his desires are above yours. Others may have been taught that if you love your husband enough, he will love you back. What about the teaching that when your husband treats you poorly... If you are kind enough, you will eventually win him over, and he will learn to be kind to you. Another popular belief is that "a soft answers turns away wrath." Although this is sound Biblical advice, not everyone (including abusers) may respond to this. Abuse is all about control. Christian or not, if your husband feels that he should "rule over you," he wants to control you. No action on your part can change this. He will need to alter his paradigm of Father God and His Word in order for there to be a change in attitude towards you.    
        You don't have control over how your husband behaves. Therefore, you can't be responsible for his actions. If your husband expects to "lord over you," the marriage will never be what God intended it to be. God did not give your husband the right to treat you poorly (see abuse definitions). If he still chooses to abuse you, even after counseling, why would God expect you to stay in that situation? This is ESPECIALLY true if your life is in danger! I don't believe God would expect you to stay. Abuse of any kind in marriage (or to anyone else for that matter) is not an acceptable behavior to God.

Why do I say this?:

        I am a divorced Christian woman. No one around me, including my pastor or counselors, knew what was wrong with my marriage until long after we separated.  Our separation was a time for seeking the truth, of which we found. Despite the fact that my marriage was obviously heading toward divorce, my church still loved me and treated me well. However, YOU may not be in a church that looks kindly on separation and/or divorce. If that’s your case, go outside the church for help. In my situation, the people that were the least helpful, and the least compassionate, were Christians. We think that we have the right to point out someone else’s faults. Yes, there are times when things need to be said. However, people often don't prayerfully consider when to say something, and when NOT to say something. When things are said at the wrong time or with the wrong tone or attitude, it's rarely taken as a kind action. We rarely realize how our words and actions can often be very judgmental. God did not give us the right to judge people. He gave us a right to judge sin.
        In a marital situation, it takes TWO people to make the marriage work. You cannot make up for what your husband does or doesn't do. Since you don't have control over the will of your husband, all you can do is work on what God has YOU do. If your husband chooses not to follow God and treat you like the Word instructs, that is not your problem. You cannot take the blame for his actions. I spent the entire six years of my marriage listening to my husband blame all our troubles on the fact that I wasn't in God's will. He never took the responsibility for any of it. It was always my fault. In personal counseling with our pastor, we worked on how I could make my relationship with my husband better. I tried to do everything that God told me to do... I treated him with respect (well... most of the time). I tried not to do the things to him that he did to me. But after awhile, it simply wore me down to the point that I couldn't function. I had to take a serious look at the real problem. That's what our separation was all about. Because i believe that my husband dealt with mental illness issues, I knew the chances of getting back together were slim. I had to wrestle with all the guilt that came with that. Here I was... a Christian woman who couldn't even keep my marriage together! What would that look like? Once I got over all the fear and guilt (which neither is from God), I was able to make the decision not to go back into the abusive marriage.  
        Keep in mind, I tried really hard throughout my marriage to control how I spoke to my husband.  I knew that my actions and reactions affected both of us.  I'm not perfect and did some pretty stupid things. However, I did the best I could.  I know how words affect those around us. Words create life or death. There are many places in scripture that talk about this. Read "The Tongue The Creative Force" by Charles Capps. It can be purchased from several sources including: www.amazon.com, www.ministryhelps.com, and www.christianbook.com. This book transformed the way I talk with people. We are all human and say things we regret. I will say that reading this book helped me cope a lot better with the abuse. Because I learned to become aware of MY OWN words, it helped me see the words that my husband was saying, were abusive.  
        Abuse is NOT from God. He expects us to treat each other in love. The best example of this should be in marriage. When abuse happens in marriage, nothing God has designed for that marriage will ever work. Worse yet... if kids are in the home, they are getting a very poor example of how a Christ-like marriage should function. For further discussion and study on how we are to treat each other, check out the article "The Character of God." I wrote this as a result of people telling me that I was in sin leaving my husband. This article provides a fresh perspective.


My beliefs on women in the church:

        I have some pretty strong beliefs about women in the church. I’ve had some radical pastors who believed that “God is not a respecter of persons,” meaning that God doesn’t exclude women from being equal to men. I went to a non-denominational church with a woman pastor. For some, that’s pretty radical. Many say that my beliefs are unbiblical. The best book I’ve ever read on the subject of women as leaders in churches is titled “The Woman Question” by Kenneth E. Hagin. The book can be purchased through www.alibris.com or www.faithcenteredresources.com. For additional information on women in leadership, visit "God's Word To Women" web site at www.godswordtowomen.org.  Katharine Bushnell wrote a book in the early 1900's that addressed this very issue. After years of being lost, the book is available once again for purchase directly from the web site.
        Hagin’s book presents what I perceive to be the strongest Biblical argument for women having the God-given right to hold leadership positions in a church. In addition, I provide some additional insight in my article "Advice for Ministers." Hagin does an amazing job of looking at the context and delves deeply into the original meanings of words. The book also addresses submission by a wife to her husband. It puts to rest what I consider unbiblical teachings heard so often by various extreme fundamentalist groups. Sorry for those of you who disagree. But, before you disagree too much, maybe you should take a look to see if your beliefs could be based on someone's personal religious beliefs. Don't take my word for it. Do the research yourself. My words are to guide you in your own self-discovery. For example, because it’s so easy to take scriptures out of context, the scriptures used so often by churches concerning divorce, submission, and headship in a home are distorted. Unless the context, original language, and who the audience was are all taken into consideration, we are in grave danger of misinterpreting scriptures.
        Sad to say, but in my research of various web sites for this section, I found that even some of the foremost Christian family experts recommend a separation in abusive situations, with the idea that the couple will eventually get back together. They assume the husband will learn to not be abusive. I understand that probably 95% of marriages can be salvaged, but when you’re dealing with an abuser, all bets are off. Abusers, especially those with mental issues, often struggle to change.  Had I gone back to my husband, I probably wouldn’t be alive to write this. Christian family experts don’t appear to know enough yet about abusive relationships.  It's time we all become more educated.


The basic beliefs needed:

In talking with a pastor, we discussed that in order for us to understand how divorce fits into the Christian life; we must first understand the following three principles:
  1. EVERY good and perfect gift comes from God.  He does not give us bad gifts.  He does not “cause” bad things to happen to us.  He gives us good things.  (James 1:16-18; Matthew 7:11; Luke 11:13; Romans 4:4 in the Message Bible)  This MUST be understood in order for a woman to understand abuse.  Because God allows us to make our own decisions, we live in a place where people are doing just that... making our own decisions. The good and perfect things come from God. The bad things come from our enemy (the devil) and people doing what people do best... being selfish. Selfishness leads to every evil thing.  So... NO, God doesn't cause bad things to happen to us. Human kind has opened the door for that. As with all open doors, something (or someone) eventually walks through it, and will keep doing so until the selfish, self-desiring, self-serving door is closed.
  2. EVERYTHING we have from God is a free gift. When something is free, we don’t have to work for it. We just have to receive it. (Romans 5:15-18; Ephesians 2:8, Romans 11:29)
  3. EVERYONE sins. God sees sin as sin. No one sin is greater than another. When sins are listed, they are usually grouped together. (Galatians 5 – whole chapter on sin nature; 1 Timothy 1:8).  Sin literally means “missing the mark.” 1 Peter 4:15 and 1 Timothy 1:8-11 spell it out. These are two of the many passages in the Bible that list various groupings of sins. Sins are listed together, calling them ALL sin and not ranking one above the other. Yes, divorce is considered sin but so is lying and cheating. We’re told to repent (turning back 180 degrees, then go another direction). God forgives us when we repent. This is the part many “divorcees” get stuck on. Have you ever lied or cheated knowingly? Did God forgive you? The Bible says He does. Why then won’t he forgive you if you get a divorce from your abuser? 

Some thoughts to further assist you:
  • God is NOT a respecter of persons. He loves all humankind exactly the same. Despite our actions, His love for us never changes.  (Acts 10:33-35, Proverbs 11:18, Proverbs 22:8, Hosea 10:12, 2 Corinthians 9:6, Galatians 6:7-8) He loves you and your abuser both. He wants the best for both of you.
  • We still reap the benefits (good and bad) of our actions and behaviors.  Of course, repentance can often sway God’s action toward impending judgment. (2 Kings 20 – entire chapter; Jonah 3 and 4 – both chapters.) In many cases, if you leave your abuser, you will reap the benefit of life. It won’t be as easy for him to kill you, if that’s what he was trying to do.
  • God made mankind “after His own image.” This means that both male and female are made in the image of God. We need both men and women to fulfill God’s plan for living on this earth. That can’t be done if men believe they can rule over women. (Genesis 1:27 and Genesis 9:6) YOU have a part in God’s plan… as a woman!
  • God did not give men spiritual authority over women. He made the man the head of the house but not the “spiritual head” of his wife. She doesn’t have to go through him to get to Christ. That’s why Jesus died on the cross.  His death gave YOU the right to go directly to God and not through a husband. If a husband is going against Biblical principles, the wife doesn’t have to follow him there! Yes, prayer and kindness can often turn a husband around if he’s acting contrary to the Word of God but… certain types of abusers often don’t see things correctly. You’re in trouble if your husband can never take responsibility for his actions or apologize for his behavior. No amount of kindness and acting in love toward him will get this to change! If he can’t choose to change, and then demonstrate that change, your marriage will never be successful.
  • God gave us each our own will. We can choose how we want run our lives. (Updated January, 2010) God will most often not intervene unless we ask Him to. (Luke 4:6) Prayers of those interceding on our behalf can influence circumstances, people, and events to help us make better choices. Ultimately, every choice is still ours to make. You can read almost anywhere in the Bible and see where God gave people choices. He often warned them of the consequences if they made the wrong choice. Many did, and suffered the consequences. When God gives us choices; that means we have the freedom to do according to our own will. God did not create robots to serve Him. As Rick Joyner says in his book The Torch and the Sword, "The Lord put the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in the center of the garden of Eden for a crucial reaosn. There can be no obedience from the heart unless there is freedom to disobey." (p. 99) God created people that wanted to make the decision to obey, or not to obey. Do you want to love God or not? The CHOICE is yours. This also answers the question, "Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?" God allows what we dictate, by our own wills. By not allowing us to walk out what we choose, God goes against everything that He is. Free will allows us to make a choice. God's grace and love allows us to walk out the consequences of that choice. Unfortunately, innocent people get caught in the "crossfire."  
  • Why do bad things happen around us? (Updated January, 2010.) Yes, we have a free will, which determines the outcome of our future. What happens when you get in the crossfire of anything? Sometimes you get hit, and other times, you don't. This is one reason that we should pray God's protection over us every day. This is no different than any event that occurs around us. Lots of bad things have happened to me (Del) over the years. What I do with those events is what helps build or tear down my character. Horrible things happen all around us. Until the second coming of Christ, we live amongst the problems of this world. We should allow the bad circumstances to build our character. Will you choose to be bitter? Will you choose to be hateful? Yes, we may all at some point have these feelings but eventually, in order to be free from that, we must forgive and then not be bitter. I'm not saying that you should never be angry or hateful. Those are human feelings and to supress them, is no different than what I did in my marriage. However, you learn to work through the negative feelings by putting them at the cross of Jesus and allowing that burden to be on HIS shoulders, not yours. That is part of the reason he died for you. (See article "Why Do Bad Things Happen?")
  • Does God allow bad things to happen? (Updated January, 2010.) I'm of the belief that God doesn't want bad things to happen to us. However, he knows that they do, and will. We live in a sinful world. Where there's sin, there's going to be horrible things that happen. When there's no more sin, then there will be no more problems. As long as people continue to behave the way we do, bad things will continue to happen. It's back to the "sewing and reaping" principle. We as people living on planet earth, are walking out our behavior, both the good and the bad. You may get caught in the crossfire of someone else's sin. Another's sin may completely change your world inside out because you are part of that person's life. What happened may not even remotely be your fault. But... you DO have the choice on how you react to the situation. It's your reaction that allows your personal "sewing and reaping" season to begin for that circumstance. To make matters even more confusing... a natural disaster (or something like that) may happen. Did God allow it? Again, I will state here that we live in a sinful world. When you have a world that breeds violence through games, TV, movies, etc., you will expect to reap some violence in personal lives.  When you have a world system that throws family values out the window, you will see the effects of that through our behavior. Sin affects everything around us, including nature. There are spiritual laws set in place that must be played out. How you choose to react to anything negative, or positive for that matter, will affect your personal outcome. The choice is yours. This is why it's so important to watch the words of our mouth. Remember that they create both life and death. (Prov. 18:21, James 3:3-6) Begin to speak life over your circumstances rather than death. It's the better of the two choices. (see article "Why Do Bad Things Happen?")
  • God in no way excuses abuse of any kind.  Some people believe divorce is always wrong. Some Christian women use this belief to stay with their abuser.  Many pay with their lives. I cannot see this as being God’s will. Although God doesn’t address abusive marriages in the Bible, He does talk about how to treat one another.   Read 1 Corinthians 13. We are to treat people with love. It’s the greatest commandment.
  • The husband is commanded to “love his wife as Christ loved the church.” (Ephesians 5:24-33) Read this in the Message Bible. It’s pretty clear! How can a man love his wife, yet command her to submit to him? Love doesn’t demand. It respects. An abuser is not acting in love. Instead, he/she is acting out of selfishness. Selfishness and love have nothing to do with the other. Look at the “categories of abuse.” Would you say that any of those exhibit love? Abuse of any kind is sin, according to God’s "law of love" in 1 Corinthians chapter 13. God talks about how we are to love one another. Abuse is not love. Therefore, it goes against God’s laws. 
  • Divorce my be sin, but so is EVERY abusive behavior.  Will we excuse one and not the other? Telling a woman to go back to her abusive Christian husband is saying “you can’t divorce because it’s sin, but we’re going to look past the sins of your abuser.”Read again what it says in 1 Timothy 1:8-11 and 1 Peter 4:15.  Remember the lists of sins? It seems to me that an abuser is probably every one of those! What does the Bible say about these kinds of people? Read the pamphlet “Toxic Love” by Malcom Smith. You can order it from his web site: www.malcomsmith.org  You’ll get the picture.

What to look forward to:    

More articles should be up by the fall of 2010!

Do you have topics you'd like to see discussed in this section?  E-mail Del with your ideas: del@freefromverbalabuse.net